5 Things NOT to do in a bar

20 November 2013

Going to a bar seems simple enough: Order a drink, drink the drink, socialise. How could you possibly mess this up? Well, here's how...

Wear sunglasses inside


I love a good pair of shades.  I wear sunglasses as much as possible. I practically fund the ASOS sunglasses page. But there’s a time and a place when it’s just wrong to wear them. Case and point: In a bar or a nightclub, I just can’t see a single good reason for this unless it is fancy dress. Wearing shades indoors is a strict celebrity-only zone (even then I don’t like it!). Normal folks should not go there. Unless you’re David Beckham please avoid wearing sunglasses indoors at all costs.

Getting on stage 


We’ve all done it. You’re in a club, there’s a stage for performers or artists and we suddenly think "The best thing I can do right now in this moment, is to climb up on stage and to impress upon the people of this great city, my Britney Spears dance routine. They will hail me." In actual fact, you look like a desperate idiot ‘look at me, look at me!’ Yeah, look at you fool! And your moment of glory is a short lived experience before you are removed by security guards in an embarrassing fashion, screaming a drunken protest along the lines "But the crowd love me!"

Use Tinder/Grindr/Blendr/Brendr


"Tap Apps”, as I refer to them, are not something we need to make public. I am not saying don’t use them – what’s better than a cheeky bit of smutty chat on a boring Sunday night. But out on show? It is seemingly desperate and also quite anti-social. If you are in a social situation and looking for affection, take a look around! There are real people all around offering conversation and surely you can’t be the only one looking to meet somebody in a big crowd! I say down the tequila and move onto the dance-floor – the more fun you have, the more people will want to talk to you. For the most effective the best ‘Tap Apps’ please speak to fellow contributor, Ellen Modin. 

Take your shirt off


With the exception of some of the larger gay clubs (where sometimes this is a necessity!). Raising  your new Aztec print fitted-tee above the forehead and whipping it around like a lasso, just inevitably ends up in a stream of bad sweaty photos, unwanted touching and a morning of un-tagging images on Facebook. Think of your poor old dear.

Order a hot-drink 


The Equivalent of sitting on the motorway behind a tractor, having the person in front of you order a double tall latte while you have been waiting for a mojito for 15 minutes is the absolute pits. Queue the 20 people around them all huffing and puffing, heckling them whilst the bar tender faffs about looking for milk in the back fridge. You want to order a coffee – go to Starbucks! They’ll even spell your name in a strange way on your cup for an additional Instagram opportunity. 

Sam Chedzoy