Top 5 Tube Pet Hates

18 March 2014

Ah the London tube - that intricate network of sweatboxes hurtling below the streets of London like cattle trucks. From signal failures to 'Thoughts of the Day'...

...our City’s underground is the merry go round that we love to hate and yet, despite how complex and impressive it is, we hate to love.

'Please move right down inside the cars.' 'Please stand clear of the closing doors.' 'Please stand behind the yellow line…' How about 'Please can I have normal human rights on my commute to work?'. I'm so sick of being sardined into the carriage, unable to breathe or wipe my clostrophia induced sweat from my brow that I daily tweet TFL an angry message. The poor sod answering those tweets clearly knows who I am and definitely hates my guts. But the truth is this City’s transport system (as impressive an infrastructure as it may be) simply cannot handle the level of people using them. You can sense by my tone that this is a *very serious* issue to me – usually my blogs are gif heavy and basically an illustration of my drunken antics but today I MEAN BUSINESS.

Massive Backpacks

Ok, we understand if people are travelling to Heathrow or just generally about to jet off to sunnier climes and we do welcome tourists, but do we appreciate a backpack in our face during peak times? No. How about you pop your bag on the floor where we’re not going to get booted round the face every time the tube jolts to a stop? This could be a downfall for me – I may one day end up being sentenced for GBH. Grevious Backpack Harm.

Hygiene Issues

The things I have smelt, felt and seen on the tube are a frightening. Riding the tube in the summer is anything but pleasant. You know how it is. It’s a hot afternoon after work and you’re already dreading catching the tube, but you have to. There you are, patiently waiting for the train to come to a standstill right in front of you, the doors open and BAM! The smell of body odour hits you like never before and you're reminded of those “horrible histories” books you read in school.

Getting Frisky

We all like to show a little love and affection to our other halves from time to time, but macking on each other in the middle of a packed tube, especially in the morning? Shame on you. We do not want to see tongues down throats, hands groping or whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears. This is why people fall sick and pull the alarms. Seriously! You are making them vom. Save it for the bedroom.

Newspaper Reading

Like a good nose of the Metro in the morning? How about an educational read of the Evening Standard in the afternoon? Yeah so do most people, but don’t shove it up our nose until we practically have the story etched on our face in print. Elbows to the side, folded to a half size tabloid and if you need to turn the page, wait till the doors are open.


It’s bad enough we have to memorise the whole tube line to avoid awkwardly staring at fellow passengers, but when somebody just plain old stares at you with no shame it's just weird and freaky. Don’t do it people. Just don’t do it. Unless they are hot, then do it back.

Sam Chedzoy