10 Things We’re All Guilty Of

16 May 2014

Saying you’re on your way when actually, you're still in bed. Claiming you NEVER received that text message. Or how about stalking an ex on Facebook? Don't tell us you're not guilty of that! These are the things we all do...

1) Thinking we're in a music video when walking down the street with headphones in

My most recent video is “Iggy Azalea – I’m so fancy”. I KNOW I look flawless when I drop to the floor and wind back up but it’s the frightened stares I get by the onlookers on the platform at Homerton station that do make me think twice.

2) Claiming you’re ‘not going to drink tonight’

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I am the number 1 guilty party for this. EVERY time I go out with work I make an almost presidential statement that I will be well behaved and not drink anything this evening. Cut to me stumbling out of a cab at 5am and banging on the door of subway begging for them to make me a meatball marinara.  

3) Not paying attention to “Facebook events”    

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What the hell is this event at a club in Cardiff that seems to appear weekly that I have never heard of? When did I accept this birthday invite? THAT’S TONIGHT? Oh Shiz, I need to come up with a big lie so I can stay in and watch Fashion Police and eat Papa Johns.

4) Pretending you’re on a diet

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“This week I’m being super healthy and only consuming liquid drinks for three days. I’m going to have such a flat tummy I can’t wait” ... “Oh what’s that? You're going to Five Guys for lunch? Ok get me a double cheese and bacon burger BUT with extra salad – I am being healthy.”

5) Saying you’re ‘on your way’

“Hi babe, yeah I’m ten minutes away. Just order for me and I will be there soon” *sits on edge of bed and turns up TV*

6) Refreshing social media every minute

I wonder if there are there any new posts. Ok, so nothing new on Facebook. Close that app, go to twitter... Nothing new there, close that go to Instagram, NOPE. Ok, maybe Facebook has something new… Scroll, Click, Close, and Repeat. Scroll, Click, Close, and Repeat.

7) Exaggerating a story massively

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Usually happens when I describe incidents that have occurred such as turbulence on a plane journey. “The oxygen masks came down, we had to adopt the brace position” etc. I like to embellish.

8) Claiming you never received that text message

“I SWEAR I never got it. You must have sent it to the wrong number mate” - A classic statement when you have left a text a little too long or you really don’t want to commit to that birthday party so just haven’t replied.  

9) Accidentally ‘liking’ an ex’s Instagram picture

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That double tap is a dangerous function of Instagram. You only pressed it to scroll and you just liked it! “OH MY GOD HES GOING TO THINK I REALLY DO LIKE THAT PICTURE OF HIS FOOD” – it's menial when you say it out loud but it is REAL.

10) Trying not to mess up your food straight away so you can take pictures of it

It winds me up so much when people “gram” their food but basically this pasta dish is too good not to capture. It’s when all 6 of you simultaneously take a couple of snaps before digging in at the restaurant that you start to realise you have a problem.

Sam Chedzoy