Turning 30 is a milestone in any person's life. Ever since I turned 29 I’ve been waiting for some sort of extreme anxiety to hit, considering our obsession with women and age, but it has not. Much to my own surprise.
On the contrary, I don't mind it much at all. Granted, it feels a bit weird to turn 30 when only a few years ago I was a teenager who pretty much equated being 30 to the apocalypse and in reality I am nowhere close to being a grownup. I don’t have many of the things I was sure I would have as a 30 year old – such as babies and a husband and a house and I don’t know, a Volvo maybe? Suffice to say none of those things have happened.
Anyway, this impending ageing seemed like a good moment for reflection and projection so here are my 30 for Thirties, a-hem:
10 standard feelings when you’re close to 30:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too busy for this shit.
3. I’m too stressed for this shit.
4. Why am I still eating this shit.
5. I don’t have time for this shit.
6. I’m too sober for this shit.
7. I’m too tired for this shit.
8. I don’t get enough sleep for this shit.
9. I’m too experienced to have to deal with this kind of shit.
10. I’m so over all of this shit.
10 facts to come to terms with as you approach 30:
1. You’re officially too old to apply to Big Brother or The Bachelor. By X-factor standards you’re practically an antique.
2. Everyone is all about the babies and their never-ending dribbling all of the time.
3. Your doctor may well be younger than you.
4. Friends ended 10 years ago. I say it again: Friends ended 10 years ago. Take a moment to let that sink in.
5. Time is flying and it will continue to do so.
6. Responsibility is an actual thing.
7. You don’t understand the new slang or social abbreviations. STFU - what? TTYL - huh? AFAIK - I give up.
8. You won’t understand new technology as well as a 13 year old. Someone please explain iCloud to me. Is it an actual cloud? What happens when it rains?
9. You know when you were younger your parents spoke about Dallas and Dynasty and you were like 'pfft, whatever old people'? Well, try talking Donna, Brenda and Kelly or whipping out the Fresh Prince of Bel Air song to anyone under 20… Welcome to the resounding sound of crickets and the hollow reality of ageing.
10. Being healthy is EVERYTHING. Superfoods, diets, juice cleanses, detox, detox TRIPS come to that, counting calories, Barry’s bootcamp, frame, extreme pilates, extreme barlates and anything else you can squeeze in.
10 reasons turning 30 will be GREAT:
1. It’s just like turning 20. But better. You're still hot only with more money, wisdom, hindsight and confidence.
2. The mistakes of your twenties are behind you. Those errors of judgement that were, for some inexplicable reason, on repeat are done. You have learned, you are wise, you are seasoned.
3. The credit rating – well hello Shoe Heaven.
4. You can start commanding some industry respect.
5. You’re not 40 yet. You've got 10 years of being in your thrilling 30's. Amazing.
6. Things become less dramatic and it’s no longer scary to say what you want, such as ‘I like you’ or ‘I like it like that’. You know what I speak of.
7. You are finally not being ID’d. Don’t pretend this is upsetting because we all know it is downright aggravating when it happens. Invariably when you don’t have anything with you but a credit card and the desperation for a nice Chablis.
8. Your 20s are over – wait, don’t react to this sadly, think about it for a moment – ahhhh.
9. Sandra Bullock is 50. Jennifer Aniston is 47. Kate Moss is 40. Julia Roberts is 47. Angelina Jolie is 39. Jennifer Lopez is 45. Cameron Diaz is 42. Would you look at any one of them and think 'wow, there goes an old woman'? I rest my case. Chill.
10. YOU THE BOSS.