15 Birthday Party Fails

1 October 2014

There are a few things in life that are guaranteed, no we don’t just mean death and taxes – we mean birthdays!

Alongside birthdays there are also birthday parties and I am sure we are all aware that not every birthday party is created equal, in fact there are usually some pretty murky memories of birthday tragedy somewhere in all of our minds.

With that in mind we thought we would make a little list of things that always seem to ruin a birthday party, sad.

1. Cake Typo
What is it with cakes that aren’t how you imagine them? You are casually perusing the DM and spot a fantabulous Vegas Birthday Cake that KK got and promise yourself that yours will be the same, you go all out and order one or someone does for you and it says Happy Barthday Emily – qua the fuck?

2. Supermarket Cake
Ok I feel like we are going to have quite a few cake traumas but seriously, this one is bad. Clearly your cherished loved ones have not adequately prepared for the most important day of the year and have found themselves in Morrisons at 11pm the night before hunting around for a ‘celebration cake’. Oh I’m sorry, no I didn’t want what could be a christening/funeral/cheap wedding cake for my birthday – I wanted Barbie bitch.

3. Party Theming
It’s not often that I am very clear on what I want when it comes to my birthday, let’s face it by this stage most of us are hiding from the reality anyway. However, there was a birthday in recent history that I wanted to have a Minnie Mouse theme, I repeat Minnie Mouse. I was exceptionally clear to all those involved and expected to me rewarded with plenty of red and white polka dot Disney magic. Oh no, someone (MOTHER) thought that I was TOO OLD for Minnie and so themed it something quite different. You can imagine how pretend happy I had to be that day.

4. Stolen Thunder
Right let’s get one thing clear, it’s your birthday – yours! So why, why Jesus why? Does everyone else want to make it about them? Oh sure, you break up with you boyfriend of five years at my party, that won’t kill the mood. I’m sorry did you just blow out my, MY, candles, well that’s just fine isn’t it.

5. The Gift That Never Gave
What is it with people recycling gifts or just generally giving shit gifts and being like ‘it’s the latest model’ or ‘I knew you would love it’  uh, no you didn’t! I mean, thanks so much for my gift.

6. These candles, my candles
Yo, did you seriously blow out my candles?

7. Face Plant
Apparently it is a regular occurrence for individuals to have their faces pushed into their birthday cakes – we know nothing of these things, but that sounds pretty awful.

8. Not Such a Surprise

I can’t be surprised, I really want to be surprised (hint, hint) but no one is sneaky enough to get past me and I also feel that they just aren’t trying that hard. Come on people, surprise me goddamnit.

9. And Then I Died From A Heart attack
Ok so there is being surprised, and there is being scared out of your skin – there really was no need to shout dude.

10. So You Really Don’t Know It’s My Birthday
You know when it’s your birthday and naturally you presume that everyone else knows that it is your birthday as well because, well IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! But gradually it becomes apparent that no one does know that it is your birthday, there isn’t a cake, they aren’t celebrating and you have been forgotten – dark.

11. Strange Cakes
So possible worse or at least up there with the last cake in the supermarket are those really weird cakes that you have no idea how you came to be the recipient of. Animal cakes, strangely themed cakes with some kind of scatological association – I mean just nasty.

12. Clowns
No one likes a clown.

13. Giftless

Worse that shitty gifts? Hard to say. Still no fun? Most definitely.

14. Venue disaster

How we all survived for so many years with our parents sticking us in village halls and calling it a party is a mystery but now the venue situation is really a bit of a minefield. Nothing worse than a carpet that smells like wet dog and cigarettes in a building that should have been condemned, just saying.

15. Arguments
Why do people think it is ok to fight with you, get lippy, be rude or generally make comments on your birthday? Zip it, it’s my party.

The Editor

The Editors

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