Do you speak 'London'?

23 October 2014

It is very obvious to those of us who reside in London that there is a language all to itself that comes along with living here. For those who don’t speak it here is the lowdown. A London Dictionary, you could say.

Londoners say: Sorry.
Londoners mean: Please get out of my way.

Londoners say: Excuse me.
Londoners mean: Get the f*** out of my way.

Londoners say: There’s loads of room.
Londoners mean: I can almost breathe.

Londoners say: The rent is reasonable.
Londoners mean: I know the rent is absolutely outrageous but I can afford it, therefore it’s reasonable.

Londoners say: The rent is cheap.
Londoners mean: The standard of living is so below par you could never live there.

Londoners say: Shopping on Oxford Street this Saturday? That's brave.
Londoners mean: Shopping on Oxford Street this Saturday? You’re insane and I’d rather do crack.

Londoners say: This train carriage is not full.
Londoners mean: I can see there’s not physical space, but that is not how this works at 8:30am.

Londoners say: There are a lot of tourists there.
Londoners mean: I’m not going there.

Londoners say:
I have a studio.
Londoners mean: I basically have a bed in a cupboard in which I can sit.

Londoners say: Outside Zone 3?
Londoners mean: I am confused. That’s irrationally far and I can’t and will not be bothered.

Londoners say: It’s a good pub.
Londoners mean: It’s not a tourist trap and they serve normal beer.

Londoners say: I’m on my way.
Londoners mean: I’m not on the Tube yet.

Londoners say: I’m on time.
Londoners mean: Theoretically, I could be. But TFL may have other plans.

Londoners say: Tube.
Londoners mean: This is why I am an hour late.

Londoners say: How much is it?
Londoners mean: I may be able to afford it but I don’t think that is a reasonable price to pay, at all, for anything, ever.

Londoners say: Hipster.
Londoners mean: He wears tight trousers and has a beard.

Londoners say: Pop Up.
Londoners mean: New must try thing that will undoubtedly involve queueing and potentially only aggravating people will be going.

Londoners say: Gourmet.
Londoners mean: Overpriced.

Londoners say:
There’s no tube stop there.
Londoners mean: That’s not London.

Londoners say: Let's go for breakfast.
Londoners mean: Starbucks coffee to go.

Londoners say: Let's go for lunch.
Londoners mean: Pret sandwich to go.

Londoners say: Let's go for dinner.
Londoners mean: Don't make any other plans because this will be a 6 hour session involving heaps and heaps of wine.

Londoners say: I don’t go out in East London.
Londoners mean: Visiting the grey city makes me sad in my soul and as a Londoner I’m already quite sad enough in my soul – I hate East London.

Londoners say: I only go out in East London.
Londoners mean: I’m from East London and I'm too cool for anywhere else, especially West London – I hate West London.

Londoners say: Quickly.
Londoners mean: Right now.

Londoners say: Not bad.
Londoners mean: That's awesome. 

Londoners say: A quiet night.
Londoners mean: Two bottles of wine.

Londoners say: That place is over.
Londoners mean: The only people that visit are the ones who want to Instagram their food and I would rather stab myself in the eyeball than go there again.

Londoners say: A little busy.
Londoners mean: Absolutely packed with a ridiculous queue.

Londoners say: Not the right vibe.
Londoners mean: Nowhere to sit.

Londoners say: Oh, you aren’t from London.
Londoners mean: You don’t understand anything I say.

Londoners say: I hate everyone.
Londoners mean: I love London.

Londoners say: That’s London.
Londoners mean: Stop complaining.

Ellen Modin

Ellen Modin

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