Recently, in an effort to keep up with the office and feel fabulous (or something), I have plunged back into the gym for the first time since 1999.
It seemed like *such* a good idea at the time, getting fit and glowingly healthy, and generally joining them smug people. You know them, right?
To inspire me to go, I was told the following things. One month in, and I am preeeetty sure I was lied to:
1. ‘You’ll feel fabulous’
No I don’t. Actually I hurt like f**k and can barely move. Is it normal to be finding sitting so difficult/agonising?
2. ‘It does wonders for your skin’
This is not remotely the case. Sweating, apparently, makes you break out like a pubescent teenager.
3. ‘The weight will just fall off’
Uh ok, I’m actually gaining weight because I am building muscles. Which isn't a bad thing but I'm just saying.
4. ‘It makes you so happy’
My endorphin's don’t seem to be flowing.
5. ‘It makes you so confident’
Attempting to run without collapsing on a treadmill next to a bronzed goddess in tiny coral Nike running shorts and a sports bra, oh yes… I feel ridiculously confident.
6. ‘It’s empowering’
Struggling to work/lift weights as the male occupants of the gym look on and snigger before asking if you need help. Back off buddy, I’m toning here.
7. ‘It’s cost effective’
Nope, it’s ludicrously overpriced and expensive. But I guess everyone knows and accepts that.
8. ‘You’ll use it because you've paid for it’
Much as I wish the crippling financial side was more effective at guilting me into making better use of my membership the sad truth is that I suspect in a week I still won’t have the energy.
9. ‘You’ll have so much energy’
Funny you should mention that because I’m exhausted, I can barely move my limbs and I have a very strange pain in my head.
10. ‘It’s a good pain’
Is it? Is it really a good pain?