Resolutions For a Londoner

8 January 2015

We are all well aware of the cursed New Years Resolution, those blasted things sent to make us all feel deeply inadequate at every turn.

In London, as we all know, we have a special language for everything and resolutions well, they are just no different.

Londoners Resolution: I’m not drinking.
Resolution Meaning: I won’t drink on the 2nd and might last all the way to the first Tuesday of work.

Londoners Resolution: I’m going to swear less.
Resolution Meaning: I'll endeavour to swear less. Well, until that moment when someone gets on the train before I get off. F***ing idiot.

Londoners Resolution: I will work out.
Resolution Meaning: I have renewed my extortionately overpriced gym membership (that worked out at around £250 a workout last year) and have every intention of going twice in the next week and then once before Easter.

Londoners Resolution: I’m getting healthy.
Resolution Meaning: I will walk up the escalator. 

Londoners Resolution: No caffeine.
Resolution Meaning: I will only have three cups of green tea and one teeny tiny espresso a day.

Londoners Resolution: I’m juicing.
Resolution Meaning: I bought a juicer.

Londoners Resolution: I’m quitting smoking.
Resolution Meaning: I will not be seen smoking by anyone who will judge me for several weeks.

Londoners Resolution: I’m saving for a holiday.
Resolution Meaning: Once all of my cards are back in their limit post-Christmas I will be back on the lash.

Londoners Resolution: This year I’m doing me.
Resolution Meaning: I bought Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Londoners Resolution: I’m going to run.
Resolution Meaning: I ran to the corner for some milk and nearly died but the outfit looked good.

Londoners Resolution: I will smile more.
Resolution Meaning: I’ll smile at the women across from me on the tube and she will protect her handbag.

Londoners Resolution: I’m clean living.
Resolution Meaning: I’ll bankrupt myself in Whole Foods.

Londoners Resolution: I’m detoxing.
Resolution Meaning: I’ll drink water and eat well after all my hangovers. Which will make it okay to then be very grumpy and order Dominos.

Londoners Resolution: I’ll be a better friend.
Resolution Meaning: For the week following the New Year I will respond to all of my text messages, then work will start again and I will speak to everyone next Christmas.

Londoners Resolution: I’ll make a bucket list.
Resolution Meaning: God knows what I will do with a whacking great list of things that I can’t afford to do but everyone seems to have one and so must I.

Londoners Resolution: I’ll overcome a fear.
Resolution Meaning: I will contemplate overcoming a fear and then realise that my totally rational fear of Oxford Street on Saturdays does NOT need to be overcome but at least I thought about it.

Londoners Resolution: I’m doing more outdoor activities.
Resolution Meaning: I’ll go for a nice walk in the park once while reading my work emails and totally freaking out. Where the fuck is the fucking WiFi Hyde Park???

Londoners Resolution: I’m unplugging.
Resolution Meaning: I’ll take down Facebook for a week and when myself to only three hours of Instagram a day.

Londoners Resolution: I’m embracing culture.
Resolution Meaning: I’ll tell everyone that my time with the sidebar of shame is at an end and only access it on my iPad.

Londoners Resolution: I’m reading more.
Resolution Meaning: I’ve loaded up my kindle and read 12% of six new books.

Londoners Resolution: I’m changing my life and leaving London.
Resolution Meaning: I watched into the wild and bought a tent. But you know, whatever.

Londoners Resolution: I'll sleep for 8 hours.
Resolution Meaning: I will make it into my bed by 10.30pm on Monday night, lie there impatiently and finally fall asleep at 1.15am only to bemoan my lack of sleep all of Tuesday, and repeat.

Londoners Resolution: I'll spend less time in the office.
Resolution Meaning: I left the office on January 2nd at 5.30pm – it was amazing. Haven't happened since though.

Ellen Modin

Ellen Modin

You May Also Like

5 Alternatives to Dry January

Read More >

10 Beauty Resolutions

Read More >

There is Only One Sale!

Read More >