The 21 things you never thought you'd hear on the tube... Oh, London tube, you may be hell on earth at times (read: most times) but other times you're one hell of an entertaining place.
1 - "So he said to me, can you read Chinese? And I said, no, I'm Japanese! You'd think he know that, we been together six months!"
2 - Judging by his appearance and the sound of his cough, I can only assume the man next to me on the central line for 20 minutes had the plague.
Not contagious is it?
3 - "It's something vegetarians eat that doesn't have any flavour at all. Only vegetarians eat it."
Woman explaining tofu to her children.
4 - "I was wiping my bum for so long this morning."
5 - Oh I do love a backpack. Especially back and forth in my face for 15 minutes.
6 - "I bang one out a lot. At least 5 times a week."
They were talking about workouts at the gym...but, you know, I still laughed.
7 - "Vancouver is my favourite city in the world. There are so many fit birds there! And they're all really easy."
8 - Oh dear, Sir, you seem to have confused my back with some kind of newspaper rest, put there to facilitate your reading during rush hour.
9 - "You're not the only Argentinian person in the world though."
10 - "Is she from wealth?"
"No, she's from Bristol."
11 - People with suitcases:
"It's 9.40. How did that happen?"
"It's because the flight was delayed."
"No it wasn't!"
"It was half an hour late on a 2 hour flight!"
"That's on time for Ryan Air!"
12 - Posh girl: "Err, it was disgusting! Her shoes were from PRIMARK!"
Posh friend laughs.
Girl next to them slyly moves Primark bag with shoes poking out of it away.
13 - "Sometimes I think I like him and sometimes I think I hate him. Basically, the sex is good. The rest of the time he's an idiot."
14 - "Australia's biggest problem is that it's such a sporty country there are too many PE teachers."
Definitely Australia's biggest problem.
15 - "This is a customer announcement. Could passengers please be careful of the uneven surfaces on platform 2. This is due to recently completed improvement works."
16 - Husband and wife (presumably) standing on crowded rush-hour tube.
Wife to husband: "This is the most sexual content we've had in 8 years!"
17 - "We'll cook breakfast back at mine."
"What have you got?"
18 - Son : "I saw it with Amy"
Dad: "Who's Amy, your girlfriend?"
Son: "Errrrrrr, no. Have you got a girlfriend?"
Dad: "Your Mum's my girlfriend."
Son: "Your Mum is your girlfriend??"
Dad: "No, YOUR Mum is my girlfriend."
Son: "Errrrr, Dad, don't even say that."
Son: "I love my Mum, but I hate girlfriends!"
19 - "I really wanna live in Australia"
"Oh, it's really difficult to get a Visa, you know"
Something tells me you haven't thought this plan through....
20 - Teenagers' deep and meaningful: "I really wanna work in an office. Cos I wanna wear office clothes."
21 - "When was the last time you had any fruit or veg?"
"I had some baked beans two days ago"