Hold on to your snapback and clasp your hands together to pretend that you are praying (but really you are just smelling that fleeky new hand-soap you bought). It’s that dreaded time of year for us childless millennials (I am still classing myself as one). Yes, It’s the Summer school holidays.
That desolate time of year where, if it wasn’t already bad enough on the tubes and being crushed within an inch of your life and someone else’s armpit, now when you get out of the station the streets are TEAMING with mini Trumps causing chaos and disruption EVERYWHERE.
With scenes not dissimilar to the opening five minutes of “saving private Ryan” I exit the tube most mornings at Piccadilly Circus to find armies of these screaming toddlers who can’t pull of tiaras. Making my way across the roundabout and through Leicester Square I witness tantrums, slow walkers and even worse, their Muswell Hillian yummy mummies desperately trying to juggle feeding poor little Hugo his chia seed and avocado wrap whilst yelling at Tabitha not to kick the buskers change hat.
Seeing as we have to put up with bastard landlords, tiny apartments, nightmare bosses, eye watering priced pubs and the insufferable cattle herding transport vessels known as Tube trains, can we not have this sacred 5 minutes space to walk to and from the office without being confronted with a mass of people with no clue where they are going. It’s with this in mind that I have put together a plan of action. Listen up London, if we all club together we can get through the next 4 weeks of this hell!
1) Avoid the key hotspots until 6pm.
Oxford Circus, Trafalgar Square, Southbank, Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus, Covent Garden, the Shard, the o2, any Pret or McDonalds in any of these places and of course, don’t go to TGI Fridays. Like, ever,
2) Enforce the rules.
Standing on the left? R U Ok hun? Out of my way, I have a very important meeting (Zara sale) to get to and I don’t have time for your buggy to reach the end of the escalator. Move it or lose it!
3) Claim our spaces back.
Do you regularly have lunch in a small space or parklet that has suddenly been overrun with school group picnics? Well don’t feel the need to hold back. Light that fag and talk about your weekend antics loud and proud babe. If they have a problem they can move on out!
4) Keep Your seat.
Giving up a seat to some snotty three year old on the tube so they can play finding dory on mummies Iphone for two stops is so unnecessary - you are younger than me! You should be able to stand. I on the other hand have had a hard day nursing my gin hangover and refreshing my insta-stories feed in the office. I NEED THIS!
5) Don’t let them have our hipster havens.
Yes, the bulk of them are headed to some god forsaken west end pizza hut but if you even spot the faintest notion that the kiddy crowd are creeping into our wanky east London vegan brunch places or coffee and avo-toast getaways then CALL THE POLICE because I will lose it.
6) Loud and Proud.
Have a “louder than normal” bbq on the roof terrace with your housemates and keep up the neighbours so that their kids are too tired to get up early. I mean this one is evil and it might not directly be the neighbours but they need to know. Crank up the Annie mac playlist and tune out the banging on the door at 10pm.
7) Tell the world!
Vocalise your opinion on Facebook and ensure to really rile up the new mums and dads amongst your friends. Lols.
8) Be You
(Most importantly) NEVER EVER STOP LIVING YOUR FREE AND SINGLE LIFE AND RUB IT IN THEIR FACES.
Phew. Reading that back, I can only apologise, It was a really bad tube journey this morning.
I’m not really that negative I swear.