Confessions of a former bar tender

19 July 2017

As an office worker and respectable young professional, I am subject to very sensible behavior in the office place.

Apart from that time (this morning) when I emailed Dave from Marketing from Karen’s computer to say that she had just found out she was pregnant and needed to talk about it in the board room. But that’s beside the point. I am no longer allowed to cause such havoc and be as playful as I was when I was bartender, popping all the bottles a man could want to (for other people).

When explaining said shenanigans to my colleagues the other day I thought it best to write down in an order of how terrible they were for all to see. So here is a countdown of the worst pranks I used to play when I worked behind the bar.

I used to put fairy liquid in the glass washer

Classic way to piss of the glass-collectors and really cause some havoc on the dance floor if it’s not dealt with quickly.

I would regularly Lock someone in the cellar

With Beer cellars being kept at a refreshing 2 degrees Celsius, staying in the cellar can be a chilling experience especially for a lengthy amount of time. Keeping somebody chattering their tits off atop a Guinness Barrell for 45 mins is sure to leave your colleague ironically hot headed.

Putting vinegar in the other bar staffs water

Hot sweaty nights and running around making drinks means that everyone needs to stay hydrated. Bartenders often pouring themselves a glass of water and leaving a napkin on top of them with their name on is common practise. Cue countless examples where somebody decides to really taint the mood and top up the waters with vinegar or another foul substance.

Filling someone’s shaker with soda water

For those not in the know – filling a glass with soda and then vacuum sealing it with a cocktail shaker before vigorously shaking it will eventually result in the top glass going off like a shotgun and firing off the top, and of course smashing every glass and bottle in sight before probably hitting you in the balls. Rofl.

Throwing an ice cube down someone’s pants mid pint pour

With hands occupied it’s the classic to pour as much as you can down the pourers pants/top or just spray them until soaked with the hose.

Taking the Nozzle off Soda gun’s

Soda guns have a multi direction spray which fires out like a Catherine wheel so take the nozzle off will spray every customer, bar tender and poor soul with a strong blast of whatever soft drink they were pouring. Nightmare

Filling peoples pockets with puree

Absolute banger of a prank – as your bartender colleague is stood there talking with customers, you sneak up stealthy as with a bottle and slowly and secretly from behind start filling their pockets with a nice portion of one of the cocktail purees – strawberry is usually the winner as its red – until they realise and start screaming. Absolutely hilarious.

Putting your mates phone in the drop safe

With bars taking high volumes of cash, not only do they have a safe for the till floats but usually a drop safe where they can deposit the nightly takings which can only be accessed by the security banking company and this takes place once every 1 -2 weeks. So as you can imagine, grabbing your mates shoe or even worse – their iphone and dropping it does NOT go down well. Always guaranteed to really wind someone up but totally worth it when you have top bants with someone.

Yeah so, in summary – never give me a job as a bartender.

Out.

Sam Chedzoy